My motto for 2018: All is Well.

Dear Avery,

The very last day of 2017, I was hit with a major panic attack. It was as-if the weight of the year for me had waited to show its full strength in the form of taking over my body. It started with a shortness of breath, tightening of my chest, losing feeling in my face and in my fingers. I was grasping the pillow like it was going to save my life. Tears came from every hard moment of the year. Grief sat on my chest, and made itself comfortable for what felt like 15 mins.  Luckily for me, I had one of my best friends holding me through it. Wrapped his arms around me, and let me know he was right there.

Eventually, I came back to reality. I slowed my breath. In and out, in and out – feeling the weight of it. Acknowledging the emotional pain, but also the physical tightness of my entire body. But I got through it.

Hours later, I met up with friends to experience the last beach sunset of 2017, and enjoy the rest of NYE together.

I picked myself up, and I went. No one knew I had experienced that only hours prior. But I went anyway because I wasn’t going to let that hold me back. I needed to push forward, and be surrounded by good people. Ring in the New Year with a positive memory. (At the same point, I’m not dismissing the experience of a panic attack. It happened for a reason. And I am acknowledging and accepting that.)

The next day, I went to the beach alone to watch the first sunset of 2018. As always, I take photos of the ever-changing views. That day was no different. There in the midst of photos, was a Cross of light within the sunset. So clear. So relevant in that moment. I felt a rush of warmth and comfort. With the words “All is Well” that came to my heart. I believed this to be a sign from God that He is with me, and that “All will be well”. It was what I had been seeking: comfort, security, calmness, and peace.

To go from a moment in your life where it feels as if the world is emotionally and physically suffocating you, to the very next day feeling peace and comfort, is a bit of a roller coaster….but a worthy one. This life is so beautiful in those fragile moments, and also in the stillness of joy. Finding the balance of the two worlds is what life is about.

I’m choosing to use “All is Well” as my motto for 2018. I know anxiety is a part of my life, and I also know that she’ll come back with vengeance at points throughout the year. And when she comes, I’ll look her straight in the face and tell her: All will be well. Even I have to repeat a thousand times. Because maybe in that moment, it’s not well.  And that’s ok because I know it eventually will be. And that makes all the difference in how we pick ourselves up and go enjoy the next sunset.

With love,

Aunt Megs