Dear Avery,
I did it. I just experienced a full year of motherhood – during a pandemic that included 15 months of quarantine – and my son is healthy, happy, and a very relaxed soul.
Having a child does change almost every aspect of your life. Suddenly the dinner dates in Laguna Beach or happy hour with friends were either non-existent or needed to planned out ahead of time to prepare for a sitter. Your morning wakeup isn’t slow to rise anymore, it’s being woken up when the baby wakes up, change/feed/play/keep them alive/repeat. It’s making sure this tiny human doesn’t choke on literally everything known to man. It’s your main topic of conversation with any other adult because they are 100% your life now. It’s finding a rhythm and routine knowing full well that once you get comfortable, the baby has a sixth sense and will feel the need to change that up. They must keep you on your toes at all times. I’m sure that’s written into baby code.
All of that changes overnight. But this love — this incredible love — for this new human is just magic. Every milestone is celebrated from: the first smile to the first giggle to the walking. It’s all so impressive and compelling to watch. I’m in awe a lot of the time thinking “I helped create this being”.
So it’s true what they say: it’s the hardest work you’ll ever do, but it’s the best work.
Adding a pandemic to the mix, which continues to affect the world, was so interesting. Sure it increased my anxiety 1000% of either I or Troy getting sick, and worse if Ryder caught Covid. But what it did for our family was forced quality time together. We stayed vigilant throughout the time, got vaccinated for our selves and our community, and remained at home 90% of the time. No major travel, no commuting to work, no real days away. While we both worked from home (thankfully), Ryder got to be downstairs with our beloved Nanny. Every day, we took families walks with the dog just to get fresh and stretch our legs. We were all still together. There was no separation anxiety from any of us. What a gift. I’ll be forever grateful that amidst an awful tragedy for our human race, we were able to stay safe — together. It’s a luxury that not many were able to have, and I don’t take it for granted.
The downsides of being in that cozy bubble included limited time with loved ones, and in a lot of cases not seeing loved ones at all. We also never got sick in those 15 months, but the second the world opened up… Ryder’s immune system was not strong enough. A common cold (Rhino virus) went straight to his lungs, which resulted in a 3 day stay in NICU. Scariest moment of parenthood thus far. Watching your 11 month old who was starting to become very active, connected to cords and machines, and not understanding why we couldn’t leave the small room for 3 days. I’m grateful for the doctors and nurses (angels on earth, btw) who have to witness the sorrow, anxiety, grief, and pure exhaustion of the patients and their families. I can now empathize with that.
The hardest part of motherhood for me was breastfeeding – without a doubt. I lasted 3.5 months, which felt like a failure at the time; but looking back, I’m glad I was able to provide as much as could. It is the most grueling, time-consuming, constraining, and overall exhausting thing I’ve ever physically experienced. The first time I produced a significant amount from pumping, I went to transfer into a larger bottle, and spilled ALL OF IT. ALLLLLLL OF IT. I yelled. I cried. I can officially say “I cried over spilled milk”. I applaud all determined women who carry out this great feat with dignity and grace. You are the warriors among warriors!
The beauty in my first year has been the bond between the 3 of us. My partnership with my ultra supportive husband was 100% key. Everything has been 50/50 — and I mean everything. He woke up for late night feedings, probably changed the same amount of diapers, authentically plays and acts silly, bathes him every night, and has put him to bed every single night he was home. And he loves it all. Nothing sweeter than the support, love, and partnership especially during the first year of motherhood. The bond between Ryder and I has been sweet, silly, and easy. I love to make him laugh, but he really laughs at Dad… he gives me pity laughs which is actually really kind of him.
Motherhood is wild. Motherhood is hard. Motherhood is exhausting. Motherhood is wonderful. It’s all the things. All the feelings. And I just hope I’m doing it right.
If Ryder turns out to be a kind, loving, and accepting soul (which we are already seeing signs of), then I’ll know I did something right.
With love,
Aunt Megs
With Love, Aunt Megs 